Torture time!!!

You must have eaten green chilies in your food, but have you eaten them raw? They are simply too spicy! Causing tears to flow down your face, making your tongue burn severely and making your mind spin at top speed, green chilies can be used as an excellent agonizing agent! All you have to do is to make the culprit chew the green chilly for whole one minute. It will ensure that he starts panting like a dog, giving you a chance to ridicule him and have some fun time. Since, by now, his taste buds will have inflated to the best, ask him to rinse his mouth with hot water. The persecuted will have a feeling as if his tongue is ablaze! You will be burning someone without actually burning him! Ok enough agony caused! Now, I guess, is the time to take some mercy. So in order to end the show, allow the poor tortured soul to gulp down some cold water.

What you guys say: won’t this technique be excellent with pestering wives?! Ladies, you can too participate in this provided “you” exercise control on your husband. It will be full time revenge!

PS: I am evil, no?!

wa’atasimu be hablillah..!!

” And hold the rope of Allah tightly…”

Crank Callers III: Handy Software

You must be thinking that I am so after crank callers, but to be honestly speaking, every other day new things come up and I do not like the new discoveries to be restricted to me. So folks! Here is the new idea! (Though for this you should have Nokia S60 series cell phone)

Search for “Inter Active Voice Call Manager”, the handy software, on website:www.dotsis.com, download it, and install it on your cell. Now, using the software, you can add the numbers of crank callers on the black list. The members of black list can easily be ignored now because if they dial on your cell again, depending on the option you have selected, they will either be listening to the continuous beep sound indicating that the cell is in use, even when it is not, or the message that the phone is powered off when you might be talking to someone else! What do you say? Isn’t it cool?!

Electronic Testing

After writing my previous post, it came to my mind that why not English or other exams requiring intensive writing get computerized?

It would be so easy to type the whole composition in a short time while sitting on a dumb terminal instead of getting tired of scribbling away notes on paper. Secondly, the corrections could be made without making the paper messy and also, assessors will not have to waste time trying to figure out illegible handwriting. In order to please the teachers and parents, software could be made that do not give the option of thesaurus, spell check and grammar, etc. In this way, according to the mindset of our superiors, student’s true ability could be tested. The electronic copy of paper can be emailed to the examiner or printed out. The cost of printing and other charges can be collected from the students.

Since lots of us have gotten dependent on computers, it would be a very good option. However, it will take a long time before our examination system gets revolutionized and somehow our country relieves itself of the electricity crisis. What do you think?

EID: ENJOYMENT IN DEPTH!

Friday and this weekend were an all time fun. Holidays from college meant no waking up at six in the morning, no daily homework and above all no pathetic, boring lessons of Chemistry! Instead it was time to chill!

The first day of Eid started with the cleaning of house, every nook and cranny. It was done quite quickly because half the job was done the previous day. Later, I, along with my siblings and relatives, saw the slaughter of two goats. The sight of a knife cutting the throat of the animal and a fountain of blood spilling out had my aunt to have goose bumps! –Aw she is too girly. Meanwhile the raw meat was prepared to be cooked; I dressed up in my new clothes and then, treated myself to a treat of delicious Kalaije, which are actually pieces of liver cooked to give excellent taste, with glasses of Coca Cola. In evening, I ate a full plate of Biryaani (rice cooked in Paki way) and man! I was near to bursting with all the food stuffed in me! The rest of the day was spent with cousins. We disturbed people, had loads of laughter and can you believe it?! The 12 of us, which included 5 elders and 7 kids, squeezed ourselves in the small Suzuki Mehran! Fortunately, I was on the driving seat and did not have to suffer much, but you should have checked the people sitting on the back seat! They reminded me of the pictures of captives caged in prisons in Gauntanamo Bay but this time sound effects were there. We ate ice cream in cold and I made a few stunts with my cousin constantly reminding me its not Mercedes and could easily topple over. Thankfully, no such scene happened and I retained my license (from my parents) to drive. I sent Eid greetings to relatives and friends and received hilarious short messages regarding Eid, like this one:

“This goat: Rs 10000, this one: Rs. 15000, the other one: Rs 20000 and finally, the one you are holding, it costs Rs. 500,” says the goat dealer.

The customer: “Why this one is so cheap?”

The dealer: “Because it is made in China so no guarantee. It might start barking the other day!” The first day ended here.

On Saturday, it was unluckily the kitchen day. I woke up late and spent the day doing house chores and helping with packing the raw meat. That day too mom and dad made Biryaani and it was too tasty to be eaten just once. There was lot of overeating but my digestive system is that of a true Lahori, so no trouble.

As usual, we had barbeque on third day. I had a scrumptious treat of tikka and kabaab. Later at night, I had a table tennis match with my “Champion” cousin and audience included all the cousins and aunts. Funny commentary and hooting added to fun. On a long drive (Too bad! My bro was driving this time…), we had some soft drinks. On reaching home, I was too tired and went to sleep right away.

All in all, it was great enjoyment and fun.

LIFE UNEXAMINED IS NOT WORTH LIVING

I’ve learned my lesson to not to ever take such type of topics to speak on. Seriously, it took the hell out of me to write this speech! And one more thing: the next time if I’ll particiape in a competition, I’ll make sure that there are not “two” teachers to edit my speech. Believe me, there was so much confusion. One wanted to add that and other wanted to get rid of it and add his own stuff. And it was because of all this I got my speech a day before the Big Day. And I was then not too enthusiastic for it all. Result: I was the only contestant who forget her speech, though no regrets.
Anyway, following is what I had written.

Mr. President,

“Life unexamined is not worth living”, is an unequivocal statement of Socrates made 2400 years ago. Though it is still applicable in this 21^st century, yet how many of us really examine our lives? How many of us self-question ourselves about what our mind holds and what our body carries out? How many of us challenge ourselves instead of just flowing with the river of life?

Sir, it is a pity that the answer to all these questions is that a majority of us spend our lives without scrutinizing it. We are so lost in materialism that instead of filling our lives with meaning and making it worthwhile, we are constantly filling it with the shiny objects of comfort! How pathetic! I mean what matters us the most is money, and money and yes, once again money. We are so entangled in this vicious cycle of avarice that we hardly pay attention to our own selves. In doing so, we keep ourselves at a loss. Let me explain.

All of us know that life is a precious little time full of experiences. It is, as Ralph Emerson Fordyce says, a succession of lessons, which must be lived to be understood. However, if we do not reflect upon our lives, learning the lesson is a far fetched idea, we will not even realize that something new has crossed our paths! And so, all our life will be a mere repetition of our past. Committing the same mistakes again and again, never realizing the failures, we lose the chance to improve ourselves. In my opinion, pursuing such a life is all but meaningless.

Sir, personal growth involves examining one’s life which reveals the patterns of behavior. On further contemplation, he understands how the elements of his life fit together. His example can be taken as a man with a map, who has a better chance to reach his destination compared to the other without any map. He will not be wasting his time in taking U-turns.

Sir, it is not just in philosophy that a man is told about examining his life, some religions including Islam has it that one should spare sometime and evaluate himself, his life and everything associated with it. He should not just parrot the cultural, familial, or generational party lines; rather he should understand the reasoning behind these ideologies. Same goes for his beliefs, values and opinions.

You must be wondering as to why that be?

Well, you must have heard of people who get red-faced when asked the reasoning behind the truths they hold to be a priori. They consider them to be true just because they are true or because the majority is following that belief. They never critically examined it, meaning they haven’t thought about whether their beliefs are true or false neither they want to know. They are just blindly following them and staying willfully ignorant. Now, if we suppose what Buddha said was right i.e. a person’s future is determined by his actions which depend on his beliefs, it would be so awful to be reincarnated into a cockroach just because of the absurd beliefs one is having. Ha!

The point is it will be quite unfortunate to keep ourselves saddled with these dogmas and never know where we would have been without them.

Finally, we should utilize this short period to make our lives worth living by analyzing ourselves. It will allow us to take control of our reins instead of letting others pull it for us.

I conclude my speech with this quote:

Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours?

I thank you all.

PS: This post is way too long!! 

Save Yourself From Getting Ruined!

Where we have dirty politics, dirty business is yet another characteristic of our country. Corruption, cheating, hypocrisy are underlying factors of everything that is associated with this society of ours. Please do not get taken away by my little patriotism for this godforsaken country or my negative thinking, I want you to know something that is seriously important.

Following the footsteps of West, girl friend-boy friend has become a common trend. Having so-called love bird/s is fun, but with this, if not careful, a person enters the world of agony as well. Females, clever may be but not sensible, are the main victim of this pain. They get easily deluded by the “love talks” of guys and fell an easy prey to the rapist mafia. The mafia is ripping them of their dignity to its fullest extent: first by abducting their innocence and secondly, by making a video clip of that entire scene and selling it in the market. Furthermore, some guys make these pornographic videos with their cell phones for the sake of fun (I would love to use the “f” word for them but can’t). These clips are uploaded on internet for an easy access and some mobile shops transfer these into the cell phones of their customers for a price ranging from hundreds to thousands. Karachi, Lahore, Dubai and Mumbai are the main markets for the local porn videos.

It will not be justified to put the entire blame on males; females too are responsible for their doomed fate. When they know there is a huge cultural difference between East and West, why bother bedding with their “thought-to-be-price-charming”? Knowing that we have male dominancy here, why to go for something that is bound to humiliate them then their opposite sex? True that physical temptation is hard to resist, but then they should be ready to taste pain of endless miseries.

All I have to say is: whatever you do, the consequences cannot be ignored unless you commit suicide and shut your eyes forver.

DECLAMATION CONTEST…!!!

How come I have allowed myself to get into a thing like this!?

I still have to write the speech and I am being too lazy!  Oh God save me! Hey people, do pray for me that I come back to my senses and get done with the job! Or else…..eternal doom awaits me!Nooooooooooooooooooooooo………..

Crank Callers II

It is ofcourse quite annoying to receive crank calls from annonymous people especially in the middle of night. Obviously, you want to get back at them. But how? Try this.

It is all simple but quite sinister (you cannot expect any better from me!). Get logged in to your Yahoo! messenger and enter a chatroom. Now give the cell number of the pathetic person to the room people. Say you are a girl and wants to friendship (Peak of cheapness! But that is what I have seen in chatrooms.) or whatever that might fool the other person into calling on that number.Make sure that you are not using your official ID and also, it must be a girly one.

When the people, you have given the number to, finds out that the person they are calling is not a girl but a guy, they are bound to get pissed off. The crank caller will learn his lesson then as he will be receivng endless calls and text messages. Poor him.

So, what you say? Isn’t it a better way than switching off your cellphones and missing calls and stuff?

I Like Writing!

The following article was written by me for the essay contest at school. The results are still not out yet. So, enjoy reading!

IF I COULD CHANGE ANYTHING IN MY LIFE, I WOULD CHANGE…

Reading news on internet, I came across this headline depicting Pakistan as the most dangerous country on earth. Though it isn’t new that the world has tagged our homeland as “a haven for terrorists”, but it was saddening for me. I just could not help stop wondering as to where we are going. To me our country’s future was all bleak, full of gloom and darkness. Nothing could be done about it if the existing situation continues to prevail.

Talking about current status quo, our beloved country has descended deep into the political instability and the military regime of General Busharraf-oops! I meant General Musharraf, has further crippled the entire system of governance. Acting as a US puppet, our President is more concerned about staying glued to his chair then paying heed to even the serious matters encircling the nation. For the sake of political mileage, there had been lots of suicide bombing and the people to blame are the so-called Islamic fanatics! Talk of being a cheat. It is not just that. In near future, we are going to have a Corruption Minister-oops! I did it again! I meant the “Prime minister”, Benazir Bhutto. She has strike a deal with Musharraf about power sharing and all her previous criminal records are brushed under the carpet. It is such a bad luck that a country found in the name of justice has fallen in the hands of utterly fraudulent, selfish and treacherous rulers.

It is true that this military leadership has boosted our economy; there is still massive poverty in the country. The rich is getting richer and the majority of Pakistanis have slid even beneath the poverty line. Our staple diet: wheat has its prices sky high. The result of inflation has been that more people have come on to streets, begging for money when they could have been doing something far better. Definitely, this is the example of cruelty in its own.

The story does not end here, there is even more. The rural areas of Pakistan are still not part of the development and the poor, especially females, are still subjugated. When it comes to avarice, the landlords can stoop so low as to rip a female of her dignity to get a small piece of land owned by her family. I was so shocked to read that a girl of my age was sexually abused and all the police officer could say, to close the case and protect the powerful rapist, was that the girl was a “habitual fornicator”! Oh my, God! How can people play with others life? How can our leaders sit with their eyes closed? What has happened to the conscience of those in power? Are they so blinded with the lust for money and power that they cannot see they are devastating the life of an innocent or even more?!

This is all too distressing to even write about. Imagine the suffering of those who are actually meted out with such a fate. Truly horrible, indeed. When I look around myself and brood over my country’s current condition, I so wish I could change it. I so yearn for a chance that will allow me to restore stability to my country and ensure that every single citizen get justice. Also, with a true patriotic spirit, I will make it possible for my country to have a bright future, and the Pakistanis would be once again respected for their nationality, instead of being bullied abroad, or being tagged as a terrorist just because their homeland is Pakistan. And so I am waiting for the chance…